I dunno….. am I too self-absorbed these days? Is it too much about me? I woke up this morning feeling crabby and exhausted from contemplating my life to the nth degree. Really. I tried to clear my head but little vignettes “from my past” and other places kept rolling past on the insides of my eyelids. Does the thought of the energy it is going to take to get out of bed and attend to everything and everyone needing your love, your grace, your kindness, your interest, your acknowledgement – does it ever just make you feel nauseated? Do you feel overwhelmed? I would say that “overwhelmed” describes my state of mind a good 50% of the time.
And all the while, I know I should think more about World Peace, the State of the Union , whatever, but I just really CAN’T because I am in flux. Yes, that’s it – I AM IN FLUX, PEOPLE. When you are in flux, you cannot be expected to assign any real energy to other people’s issues. It is all you can do to keep it together, lest your molecules begin to vibrate so violently that you BURST into a billion pieces and sprinkle down over the floor where someone comes along and walks on you. And you, you no longer exist. FLUX is a delicate, delicate time. It’s tricky – and have I mentioned that it’s exhausting? Today, it seems to be.
Bleh. Maybe I should just go and have a little glass of wine to go with my whine. This is something I allow myself now that I am "older." I give myself permission. And, when you're in flux, wine is a stabilizer. Didja know that? Probably not. The good thing, I guess, is that being in flux, it's anybody's guess how it will all turn out. I think I ultimately get to choose how it turns out. That is what my little glass of wine is telling me. I have now completed Day 24, and I am heading pell mell into Day 23. Join me, won't you?
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i'm with you all the way to the big day. but, i'm beginning to see that this has way more to do with something other than turning 50.
ReplyDeletei also think that this event would be so so much easier to take if it was happening in a warmer time! you have a double whammy. no, make that a triple one....it's cold, the nights are long, and ice and snow hinder any thought of outdoor exercise. tough....very tough.
ReplyDeleteuh, no, i don't think so. it's about turning......you know..... the F word
ReplyDeleteall right then. whatever you say, sis. i'm making the trip. it's an adventure.
ReplyDeleteActually, it's about me. It's about all the vieled resentment you have held against me from the day I was born, for stealing your thunder and grabbing the spotlight from you. Just own it, sister, and it will set you free.
ReplyDelete